A Trip To Queens.
Chloe and a hundred strangers emerged from the urine soaked subway into the emerging light of day. The sun shone weakly but she was happy to see it after four days of non-stop drizzle. She walked briskly to her office on 11th Avenue because while the sun was out, it was a chilly morning. Chloe walked past the corner store that served the most delicious chopped cheese sandwiches without looking up. Usually this store and its legendary chopped cheese was the stumbling block she had to overcome each morning. She was oblivious to; or at least she made herself oblivious to the tempting aromas wafting into the New York air. There was a great matter to attend to that day.
“Good morning!” said Moses brightly. Moses sat at the front desk in the lobby of this shared worked space building. It had been renovated to match the needs and yearnings of its hipster clientele. One would never know just by looking at it that the building was once an underfunded school.
“Good morning, Mr. Moses.” Chloe said with a smile as she walked to the elevators. She always had a genuine smile for the jolly, old man at the desk. To her relief, there was an elevator waiting as soon as she arrived. She got in and feverishly pushed the button to close the doors before anyone could get in with her. It was one of those days where she just didn’t want to talk save for the important conversation she had to have later.
Fridays were slow at her office. The few people in her department mostly shuffled papers and stifled yawns while waiting for quitting time. It was an understood and accepted reality amongst them all except Molly. Molly was Chloe’s coworker and the office shit-houser. Instead of yawning at her desk like the rest of them, Molly enjoyed playing pranks and “spicing up” the workplace. She never said it out loud to Chloe but Molly desperately wanted to go viral on the internet. She would always have her phone in her hand or propped up somewhere recording these pranks. It was a whole production with her. Some days Chloe would humor her younger colleague because they were the sole women in the department and it felt like solidarity to do so. This morning,however, Chloe didn’t have the energy nor time. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted Molly approaching so she took out her phone and pretended to answer an incoming call thus successfully avoiding an early morning encounter with the girl. Sometimes Chloe wondered if Molly was on molly.
The great matter that loomed over Chloe’s head so palatably was a matter of the heart. Valentine’s Day was mere days away so the scent of love was pungent in the air. Or so it seemed for others but not for her. For months leading up to this day, Chloe had been aware of a certain imbalance in her romantic relationship, namely the lack of romance. She and her boyfriend, Jay, had been dating for 6 months leading up to Valentine’s Day yet she felt like they were still strangers. They lived in different boroughs, she in Upper Manhattan and he in Jamaica, Queens hence they couldn’t always see each other every day or even every other day. Yet, Chloe would’ve even settled for seeing him once a week! It always was the case that she would reach out to Jay to invite him to a cute little spot for dinner or talk him into going to a movie. If she didn’t text or call she was certain she wouldn’t hear from him at all. She knew this to be fact because she’d once purposely neglected to communicate with him for days and days went by without so much as an emoji from him. The confrontation that ensued after she pointed these things out left her feeling foolish for even bringing the matter up. Jay worked in logistics and distribution and from his explanation, his work schedule was erratic. For a time afterwards Chloe told herself she was to be satisfied with what she was getting. Jay was an alright looking man that didn’t swindle her out of her rent money or call her a fat pig like her ex had. She knew there was a lot worse than Jay out there.
Still, she yearned for more. She wanted to feel desired and pursued, not slotted into random pockets of time between changing logistics and deliveries. For a full week she wrestled with the prospects ahead of her; forge ahead with Jay who was disengaged at best or end this relationship that had some promise and go back out into the dating cesspool. With the drizzly New York cityscapes as her backdrop she walked sullenly from her apartment to the subway to the office to the bodega to the subway to her apartment day after day, wrestling in her mind to come to a decision. Early that Friday morning she had decided once and for all. She’d texted Jay asking to meet that night and he’d agreed. It was a date.
Five o’clock eventually came and Chloe wished her coworkers a happy weekend as she walked out the door. The sun which had put in a commendable shift against the increasing gray skies was retiring to make room for the night. The cool air slapped Chloe in the face as she stepped outside. It strengthened her resolve. She joined the throngs pouring out of work buildings and onto the bustling sidewalks, each to their own varied affairs. Her fall boots lent to the rhythm of the city as she went forward towards the close of a chapter. She ducked into the subway and headed to the restaurant they’d agreed to meet at.
She’d had to maximize the odds of him agreeing to meet up and picking a restaurant and cuisine he liked boosted those odds. Caribbean Cabana was Jay’s favorite spot for Jamaican food, this was one of the few things she knew about her boyfriend of nearly 7 months. Chloe arrived at 6 in the evening and expected Jay at 6:30pm as they’d agreed to. Chloe was seated in a booth which she appreciated. The idea of being draped in the middle of the floor with no cover while breaking up with a partner was as appealing as a urinary tract infection. Chloe immediately ordered a cocktail and scanned the room. It was a popular spot and there were half a dozen people eating or waiting for their meals. It would only get busier as the night went on. This suited Chloe fine. She and her sadness could hide in the numbers. Of more corporeal importance though was that numbers equaled safety. She didn’t know what Jay was liable to do after she ended things and meeting in public was the safest bet. “Men don’t always take rejection well,” Chloe, a true crime junkie thought grimly as she sipped her cocktail.
The door swung open and person after person walked in except the face she was expecting. It was 7:15pm. The waiter looped back around a third time with sympathetic eyes and a smile.
“I think I’ll order now, thanks.” Chloe said and he handed her a menu. No use being starved and embarrassed. She wondered if her food would get to her before her “boyfriend” showed up. It was almost an hour from the time they’d agreed to meet. She chuckled a dry, wry chuckle at the realization that her own break up attempt was being inconvenienced by a man she knew most definitely didn’t like her, never mind love her! Never mind love.
Jay walked in at 7:26pm and located Chloe. Chloe saw him as he walked over to her booth. His big, black beard was well kept but not freshly trimmed. He was wearing faded blue jeans, a black hoodie and tan Timberland boots. From his outfit Chloe couldn’t tell if he was just coming from work or not. She swiftly decided she didn’t care if he was coming from the moon and put resolve in her face. He leaned his body forward and hugged Chloe before moving over to the other side of the table and swinging his long legs under the table.
“Hey,” he said.
Chloe had waited an inordinate length of time without so much as a phone generated “Running late” text. Jay sat there and only managed “hey.” She sipped her water.
Chloe wanted to conduct herself in a dignified manner and not disgrace herself nor cause drama in this long standing establishment. She stuck out already as the sole white patron.
“What’s up?” Chloe said calmly.
At this time Chloe’s food arrived and was set on the table.
“Hello, my name is Trevor and I'll be your server today. Would you like a menu or -”
The waiter was halted in his tracks by Jay’s waving hand.
“Nah, I know what I want already. Let’s do the oxtails, rice and beans and a side of plantains.” This was his go-to meal.
“Anything to drink, sir?” young Trevor asked.
“No. I'm working tonight.”
Trevor took Chloe’s empty cocktail glass. She contemplated ordering another but held off.
Hey.
The word rattled around in her heart.
“Um,” Chloe started. She hadn’t rehearsed precisely what she was going to say. She figured she’d just speak her truth in the moment as spirit gave her utterance.
“You look nice.” Jay said before she could go on. He looked at her as he spoke. Her breath caught a little in her throat but she remained cool. Perhaps two short weeks ago this simple, generic statement might’ve been enough to sate her affection starved state. Desperate for any kind of positive acknowledgment she would have taken this meager offering and pumped it full of hope and promise. However, she had gotten to that point where self deception was no longer an option. It was too late for little, sweet nothings. She’d already let go of the fantasies that sustained her and it was time to end it in reality too.
“Thanks…Jay, I asked you here because I have to talk to you.” Chloe liked the steadiness in her voice. Before she could keep it up, Jay in slight panic asked,
“You’re not pregnant are you?” His eyes bulged.
Chloe could hardly believe the question. They had sex only once in their six and half month relationship and that had been on the very first night they met! After a night of dancing, heavy flirtation and drinking on both their parts, Chloe had invited Jay to her apartment and the encounter that night was the first and last time they’d had sex.
“No, I’m not pregnant.” Chloe said, more than a little irritated by the question. “We’d have to have sex to get pregnant, or don’t you know how it works?” She couldn’t resist adding the remark. Jay smirked but sat back seemingly relieved that he wasn’t on the hook for fathering a child.
“I asked you here today because,” she stalled ever so slightly. The next words out of her mouth would steer both their lives in other ways. It would mean closing this vacant, unfulfilling chapter and moving ahead to something new. It would mean no more self-delusion. A boyfriend would at minimum ask for booty pics. Jay didn’t even text asking for that!
“I’m not happy. I tried to be but the truth is, I’m just not happy.” Chloe chose the path of honesty. Jay sat back and faced her but she never knew if he was actually listening.
“I hardly see you, we barely spend time together. I mean, I barely know you.”
“You don’t feel like you know me?” Jay said with a furrowed brow.
“Yes! I had to practically beg you to tell me what ‘Jay’ is short for!” Chloe wanted to stay composed and level but the audacity of Jay was poking at her more explosive emotions.
“You know I don’t share my government name or extra shit.” Jay said calmly.
“Which is all the more of a red flag for me, Jay. Seven months of being ‘a couple’ and I don’t know you! Extra shit?! What extra, unreasonable thing did I ever ask from you?”
An answer didn’t come right away. Instead the waiter arrived with both their meals.
“I apologize for the long wait, ma’am.” he said as he set her chicken and rice entree before her. Jay picked up his fork as soon as his plate of oxtails was put down in front of him.
“Can I get you anything else at this time?” asked the waiter.
“No, thank you.” Chloe responded and he moved on to the next table. Jay’s attention was squarely on his food. Chloe’s desire to finish stating her thoughts exceeded any hunger she had. She went on.
“Look. You’re nice enough when we do see each other. I think you’re intelligent and cute. But I legit don’t think you give a fuck about me.” This last part surprised even Chloe herself. Jay stopped shoveling rice into his mouth and sat up facing her. He made an attempt to speak but Chloe shook her head and spoke first.
“You’re gonna say you’re busy and can’t hang out like that. I know. But I want more. I need more. And I don’t want to have to tell my boyfriend to want me.”
Despite her best efforts, tears welled up in her eyes. She felt like a fool. Tears pooling in her hazel eyes. Cold and darkness closing in on the city. A litany of attempts to connect to another human that all fall by the way side.
For a few moments silence passed between them even as the lively cacophony of dining patrons having happier times swirled around them. Jay wordlessly picked up an oxtail and sucked off the meat and fat. Chloe had seen enough.
“Why did you ask to be in a relationship with me?” Chloe asked it directly. She still hoped to get some semblance of sense out of this at least.
“To be honest, I don’t really remember how that happened. I just know it was cool to hang out with you from time to time when I had time, you know.” This was as sincere as Jay could be. Further pressing would’ve revealed that Jay hadn’t even considered Chloe his girlfriend but more a cool hang from which to occasionally get hand jobs between jobs. There definitely was an imbalance in how much the relationship meant to each of them. The balance was so skewed it was glaring.
Chloe calculated it all in total. Jay was a fuck buddy with options at best. Her half a year long relationship was little more than random encounters with an acquaintance which she orchestrated. Her cheeks burnt hot with shame, she was positive she glowed. She waved down the waiter as he carried a pitcher of water to the table behind her.
“Can I get a to-go box, please?” She managed to croak it out. Her chest and throat hurt on account of the enormous cry that was waiting to be released.
“You’re a nice girl, you know.” Jay said before he gulped down water. His plate was a graveyard of oxtail bones.
Chloe used all her focus to scrape her untouched food into her leftover box. She simply had to get out of there and away from him. She opened her purse and blindly reached for a wad of cash deep in the bag's bowels. The tears were threatening to spill so she decided against counting out the notes.
“I’ll pay for your dinner,” Jay offered.
“No, thank you.” she said stiffly. Her throat hurt. She left two twenties on the table and got up. If she could’ve teleported right there and then she would have. The embarrassment and regret she felt as that man sat and watched her was immense. The man who from the very beginning had not wanted her in the same way she wanted him…
“Well, I say this honestly, it was nice knowing you. My bad I couldn’t be what you needed.” Jay said as he stood up and spread open his arms. Reluctantly, Chloe leaned her body into the hug and allowed him to wrap his arms around her for a few moments. She felt his thick, bushy beard brush against her hair and he kissed her on the forehead tenderly and sweetly.
“Take care.” He said.
“You too.” She answered and without further words, walked out the restaurant and to the train station two blocks down.
The train shook as it sped along the tracks. Chloe was grateful for the tall man in the long coat who stood in front of her, his inability to get a seat shielded her tear streaked face from the rest of the train. She hoped that the healing needed from the farcical relationship she’d just ended would be minimal. There was fairly little to mourn as far as actual loss went. If anything required healing it would more likely be her fractured self-esteem. Chloe let out a sigh. Her stop was next.
